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Sandy J. Hartwick

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Good Grief!

November 18, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog, Cats, Funny stories Leave a Comment

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Good Grief!

We all have those days when we wonder why we ever crawled out of the covers. Yesterday was my turn. First thing in the morning, my husband went and put the dog out in her pen. To do this he had to go downstairs, across the basement to her crate, out the sliding glass doors and about thirty feet across the lawn to Bindi’s pen and then reverse it to get back up to the living room. Once there he said, “What’s that?”

I looked down at the carpet at a turd, which looked to be of cat origin. The unpleasant discovery did not end as we found that my husband had stepped in it and was now tracking it on the wool area-rug. In defense of my cat, I had just cleaned all of her cat boxes, she had not been in the house most of the day before and how could we have missed a cat gift in the middle of the living room?

Then the awful idea occurred that perhaps my husband had stepped on this thing outside and brought it all through the house and up the stairs! NO! If you know me, you know that my Howard Hughes type tendencies were popping at this point.

After much CSI investigation, we found no further evidence on the route he had used. Against all odds, we believe he stepped in it outside and because it was on the outside toe of his slipper, miraculously, it did not fall off until he reached the living room. (We know this, because when it was daylight, he found the point of initial contact out on the lawn.) Some of you will say, “At least your Roomba didn’t find it!” An excellent point and you are right, because things can always get worse.

After cleaning up the mess, we hoped our day would get better. My husband had called our internet provider the night before, because we were having terribly low speed and the lady he talked to said, “I remember you, you called about a month ago, we were having a network problem. We still haven’t fixed it.”

I suggested that he call them this morning and ask for a month credit. After being on hold for over half an hour, he finally talked to someone who told him, “We are having a network problem with one of the towers and we will be installing fiber optic cable. You will have problems until December 15.”

Imagine this company charging everyone their regular bill while knowing that their service was going to be substandard and NOT what they are paying for. They did give us a credit for one month, but really!?

Of course we both had a lot of work to do online. I did not get my blog completed yesterday and everything I had to do on the computer took twice as long or longer than it should have.

Finally, we are having our bathroom remodeled and thankfully we are blessed with some extra bathrooms, one of them in the basement. I used the toilet in the basement and flushed the toilet and the handle snapped off in my hand. Really?! The timing just seemed too convenient. I thought of Bruce Almighty–“Smite me! Almighty Smiter!”

I know, all of these problems are tiny. They are all first world problems and I know that means that I don’t have any real problems. I am blessed. But sometimes I forget that and just have to say, “Good grief!” a phrase my third grade teacher said often. I remember  Charlie Brown used it a lot too.

For those of you that are wondering about that phrase, “good grief” was originally a mild oath. It’s “a euphemism for ‘good God,’ ” according to The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms (2d ed.), by Christine Ammer. https://www.grammarphobia.com/blog/2017/07/good-grief.html

 

 

 

 

 

The Lavender Tool Box

October 1, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog, Funny stories Leave a Comment

              The Lavender Tool Box

 

Some years ago, we found  a functional and quite lavender toolbox complete with lavender tools at one of the big hardware stores.

“Look dear,” I laughed, “I can have my own set of tools and I will never have to worry about you or the boys taking them!”

He thought it was a good idea too.  Yesterday, I went to get my screwdriver which is super-handy; its bit is reversible to Phillips or standard. It wasn’t there. Grrrr. I looked in all of the usual places, the junk drawer, the ongoing, bath remodel chaos room and finally my husband’s tool area in the garage. Nada.

It turns out lavender is no repellent to men that need a tool, especially when they don’t feel like walking out to the garage or shop. Over the years, not only has my husband used all of the lavender tools more often than me, he has filled the lavender toolbox with all kinds of junk tools, some of which I have no clue as to their purpose.

If you know of a way of keeping your tools to yourself that actually works, please let me know.

 

 

My Crazy-Gypsy Blood

September 28, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog Leave a Comment

 

Photo courtesy of Markus Spiske freeforcommercialuse.net

 

“Early in their marriage, they had an intense argument where my mom threw a spoon at dad. He ducked and the spoon stuck in the wall.”

My Crazy-Gypsy Blood

I can’t prove it, but I believe I have some Gypsy blood or at least some genes from an ancient knife-throwing ancestor. Also, some genes for a hot temper.

Mom and Dad argued sometimes, as most couples do.  Early in their marriage, they had an intense argument where my mom threw a spoon at dad. He ducked and the spoon stuck in the wall.

Another memorable clash happened when I was in high school. We were gathered for dinner and my father asked for the salad dressing, shook it up, put it on his greens, took a bite and said, “This salad dressing tastes like ship!” Only he didn’t say ship.

My mom who was shaking the dressing to apply to her own greens, glared at my dad and after a moment of hesitation, cast the entire contents on my dad’s face, dressing his beard well. 

My sister and I froze, mortified, and watched dad for his reaction. I think he was stunned, vinegar and oil dripping down his beard onto the table. Then he started laughing and we all busted up.

From then on he said, “Make sure you don’t say anything about the salad dressing.”

 

The Thanksgiving Cruise Part Two

September 27, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog, Funny stories Leave a Comment

Photo courtesy of Dylan Ferreira

dylanferreira.com

The Thanksgiving Cruise Part Two


I took Dramamine the whole time, because I’m one of those people that can get sick in a hammock. It had been smooth sailing the whole cruise, but now it was time to head home. The captain must have dropped into high gear; the sea was rough. I sat in the lowest part of the ship trying to not be sick. As the day went on, it was rougher. Soon even the crew could be seen dashing for the restrooms. White napkins were dropped over incidents. Sometimes you would meet other passengers walking down the hallway and they would say, “No, you don’t want to go that way!”

That night I could see giant waves out the window. I was so sick that the thought of the ship going down with my whole family didn’t mean a whole lot if it meant I would be out of my misery. When we arrived home the next day, there were few  who could boast of not being sick.

That night ruined me for cruises. Never again. My children, who at the time claimed it was boring and awful, now remember it as a fun vacation and as time has passed, they have regaled me with stories of how they and their cousins entertained themselves when we were not around. They were part of the reason for everything on that ship being so sticky. Someone in the group got the bright idea of running their soft serve ice cream along the banister everywhere they went. And this is why tigers eat their young.

 

 

 

The Thanksgiving Cruise Part 1

September 26, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog Leave a Comment

The Thanksgiving Cruise


In 2005, my sister talked the whole family into going on a cruise to Mexico for Thanksgiving. Ports of call included Mazatlan, Puerto Vallarta, and Cabo San Lucas. 

Getting there was half the fun. I had bought the kids a book about the sound effects a person can make and Tyler had perfected his baby Elizabeth cry. As we were about to take off on our connecting flight Tyler tried it out on the approaching stewardess. She smiled and leaned in close, “I’m not going to have to strangle you am I?”

The cruise had about 2,000 passengers and 800 of these were kids. Everything was overcrowded and sticky. Want to sit in the sun by the pool? Good luck, every lounge was taken and there were splashing kids everywhere.

The ports of call were the highlights of the cruise. In Mazatlan, I remember the crazy bus ride into town (I think this was my dad’s favorite part of the whole trip) we all held on for dear life and were so grateful to arrive unscathed at our destination. My kids were shocked at the houses that many people lived in and realized that we were living well compared to many in our world. I also remember the pollution and how bad it was in Mazatlan.

Puerta Vallarta was beautiful. Rex and the boys went zip-lining and Mom and I went shopping. There was a sea of beggars. As we headed back to the ship worn out from fending off and giving to so many beggars I walked past a woman with two children. I thought about going back to give her something, but I didn’t. This memory has haunted me ever since and I wish I could change my decision.

Cabo San Lucas struck me as the wealthiest of the ports. Yachts and condos were everywhere. The plan for this port was a snorkeling adventure.

Just before the excursion, Rex and I were at the highest point of the cruise ship looking down into the ocean and saw a massive hammerhead shark swimming alongside the ship. We went anyway and were glad we didn’t see any large sea life.

To be continued…

 

Photo courtesy of Stephanie Klepacki

stephanieklepacki.com

 

New Roomba and the Secret Under the Bed

September 12, 2020 by Sandy Filed Under: Blog 4 Comments

 

 

 

Crazy Eightball

I highly recommend keeping a journal. Even if you can’t write in it everyday, it makes for some fun reminiscing. The following is from a journal entry dated October 16, 2019.

Old Roomba gave up the ghost and I tried to get along without him. But having a large house and me being not really into housework found me missing my little Buddy. Enter new Roomba, unnamed as yet. Quieter and it seems to pick up a lot more dirt. Got hung up on the treadmill downstairs a couple of times, but so far, so good. I decided that I needed to run some errands in town and locked new Roomba in the master bedroom/bath while I was away.

I came home and opened the master and everything is normal, except new Roomba is stopped by the side of the bed with a long, black petrified-looking thing beside it. OMG. No. IT. CAN’T. BE. It surely looks like an ancient, petrified cat turd. Ugh. It is! HOW? WHY?!

I look under the bed to see if there is more or if I can spot the scene of the crime. No. Now my Howard Hughes germ PHOBIA kicks in, as I imagine the robot whacking the old, shriveled turd this way and that across the rug and everywhere. I can visualize its little brushes flicking bits of cat crap everywhere. Retch!

It took me awhile to figure out what to do. At first I thought maybe I should burn everything and then I thought disinfect everything. I finally vacuumed the rug (with a real vacuum) and mopped the hard surfaces and will disinfect new Roomba (perhaps its name should be Turd Herder). My husband laughed and said he would have thrown the turd away and restarted new Roomba. This brings me to the point that mankind would be better off if we had kept dirt floors…

 

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